Hosted By:
"Passionate" Pussy Valiant
Pussy: Good evening, and welcome to the recently reincarnated Weekly Wire. Tonight, we're going to go light. First, I would like to let everyone know that this show is exclusive to Mayhem, and we will deal with all thing Mayhem only. With that said, let us get to our recap!
(Generic news show music plays as a large flat-screen TV descends behind and to the side of Pussy. On the screen it says "IEW Mayhem May 30, 2004." [NOTE: The screen is playing the highlights as Pussy describes them, such as the eliminations. Same goes for all other matches reviewed])
Pussy: This past Sunday, we kicked the show off with NightHawk and resident bitch Harley Quinn take on the team of Atticus and Redd Dogg. As was expected, the match was bland. The match started off with Quinn taking it to Mr. Finch early in the match. After a close double count out both competitors made hot tags to their respective partners. From that point on, Redd Dogg dominated only as Redd Dogg can and he picked up the win for his team.
Winner: Redd Dogg and Atticus
Rating: 3/10
Pussy: After that we went right into our next match, another tag match. This time, the team of D and X.... that can't be right. They can't be named D and X and and call themselves The Ruff Ryders...
*Voice over the speaker informs pussy they in fact are. *
Pussy: Well then, I guess copyright laws don't apply...Anyway, they took on former IEW World Champion Magnum and his partner with whom he held the tag title Dream Man. Magnum started off with D. Magnum beat up on D for a few seconds and then he tagged in Dream Man. Dream Man gets only a 1 count and then he gets double teamed. After a 2 count, X and Dream Man took it to each other, both scoring near pinfalls. Dream Man got the tag and Magnum took over from there. After an impressive display of strength, Magnum pinned X with the Last Call.
Winners: Dream Team
Rating: 5/10 - Ok match, pretty predictable. Good to see Magnum getting a very impressive and dominating victory.
Pussy: Afterwards, D got in the ring and he too felt the combined might of Dream Team. After the ring was cleared, Bakuryu paid us a visit. Have a look.
(As Wham!'s "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" blasts the PA, five girls wearing green very short shorts with yellow suspenders covering their nipples come out from behind the curtain. They are also wearing lily-shaped red hats.)
B: Okay, we can watch this all night!
JR: Perv.
(They begin cartwheeling around before all the lights turn off except for one follow-spot, showing the curtain. Bakuryu comes moonwalking right into it, wearing yellow pants, a red shirt and yellow suspenders. His hair is straightened and falling over his face. Both the Mayhem and the fashion show crowd go wild. He moonwalks over to a microphone and signals the people to stop cheering.)
B: I should've known....
Bakuryu: Now, now, I may be the spokesperson for that annual Tourette's Syndrome Fashion Show Fundraiser, but I am also a IEW star. Therefore, since I cannot be at two places at once, I'm going to do so by the magic of SATELLITE BROADCAST!
JR: Feels good to see him this happy.... in the past few weeks we've only seen him get his ass handed to him.
Bakuryu: Now..... people have been asking me what I'm trying to do with my career. 'Cause I'll admit, I'm pretty much nowhere right now. I got beaten by RAGE! Wow. I don't know why I'm not fired yet. But that made me realize something. I had the edge on Rage, but the fact that this became and Extreme match gave him the edge. My last three extreme matches were not successful. Therefore, I am retiring.....
JR: WHAT?!
B: YES!
(The crowd of both places gasp, most are shocked, Bakuryu smiles.)
Bakuryu: ...from the Extreme division.
(Everyone sighs.)
B: Damn...
Bakuryu: I'm done there. I am moving on. I am going to the top and make a star of myself. I am going to be bigger than anyone else in this federation. All I have to do is find a stepping stone. Now, I'm done with the boring part, ladies, will you please remove the suspenders....
Pussy: As you can see, Bakuryu must've had his brains scrambled when Rizzo threw him noggin first into a wall. After Bakuryu was done, we were treated to a match the potentially could have been of main event caliber. In a hardcore falls count anywhere match, Doctor Love and Hong Kong Cavalier "Dangerous" Dave Jess faced each other. In a lightning quick match, Dave jess was dropped with a vicious shot to the face with a 2x4. Doctor Love got the pin and that was that.
Winner: Doctor Love
Rating: 1/10 - Didn't do either of these guys justice.
Pussy: Our next match of the night pitted Thunder Cat against TV Champions Lucius Bonedragon. The TV title was up for grabs. This match helped pep the crowd up as it was clearly the best of the night up to this point. Lucius took it to Thunder Cat with moves off the ropes. After a 1 count, Cat turned the tables for a few moments. However, the champ regained control and he scored a 2 count. Thunder Cat came back at Lucius and he threw almost everything he had at him, getting just a 2 count. Cat continued the assault by putting Lucius in a Sharpshooter for a lengthy period of time. Lucius had enough to get to the ropes to force Thunder Cat to break the hold. However, Lucius resorted to some lowly measures and he took control for the rest of the match. Lucius finally ended Thunder Cat's chance at the title with a little bit of that hocus pocus.
Winner: Lucius Bonedragon
Rating 7/10 - Not sure what I think of the magic stuff. But it was still a solid match.
Pussy: But, wait, there's more! After the match, Thunder Cat broke Lucius' wand over his head! I don't think this is over, but it sure was over for Mayhem.
Show Rating: 6/10 - All matches, no fun (except Bakuryu's segment). Need more to make the cards better.
Title Changes: None
Alignment Changes: None
Pussy: A pretty bland Mayhem to restart the Wire on, but oh well. Now, it is time for predictions. And yes, we are keeping the tradition of having Brutus on to show us what retarded stupidity is.
(The scene goes to a wide shot with Brutus sitting at the other side of the television.)
Brutus: You look doable tonight Pussy.
Pussy: Don't you wish you could get some Pussy.
Brutus: *Blushing and flustered* Um, shall we start?
Pussy: On June 6, Mayhem is coming to us from Regina, Saskatchewan, Canada. Our first match of the night is a fatal four way involving Apocalypse, Chaos, William Riley and Angel.
Brutus: Four ways have mucho potential.
Pussy: *Ignoring Brutus* As I was saying, this match looks to be one hell of a chaotic match. I can't see any guy being declared a winner. Sure, someone may win the match, but the bad blood in this match is going to make it volatile and quite dangerous. However, I think Apoc has a good chance to win.
Brutus: See, women aren't as smart as men. You probably think his name is pretty. The best bet in this one is Chaos. I think he's going to unload on everyone and he's going to come out on top.
Pussy: Apocalypse
Brutus: Chaos
Pussy: Our second match of the night gives us a Television Title rematch between Lucius Bonedragon and the man he beat for the title "Dangerous" Dave Jess. Jess really needs a win to erase the memory of last Mayhem's disappointing loss. I think he'll be on a mission and he'll win. Look for the Cavaliers to possibly get involved.
Brutus: But alas, she has brains and beauty! You are right, because the Hong Kong Cavaliers will have Jess' back. This is a title match, a title Jess wants back. The HKC are about being the best and having the hardware to prove it. Jess will win.
Pussy: Dave Jess
Brutus: Dave Jess
Pussy: Our third match of the evening gives us two former Intercontinental champs going head to head for another round. Doctor Love and Khrystal Walker, two people who really don't like each other, are facing off in what is going to be an ugly match. Although I'd usually stick to my people, I gotta say Doctor Love takes this one.
Brutus: This match is ugly just because Walker is involved. She makes everything ugly, including the Intercontinental Title. I agree with you, Doctor Love is a superior wrestler. I look for the good Doctor to win convincingly.
Pussy: Doctor Love
Brutus: Doctor Love
Pussy: And in our main event, the Intercontinental Title is up for grabs as the champion Gulgamek defends his title against Thunder Cat. Gulgamek is on a tear, beating Doctor Love for the title. I don't see how Thunder Cat is any match for the Norse God.
Brutus: I just don't get how losing a lower title match gets you a title match against Gulgamek. It makes as much sense as Boca facing Rizzo. Thunder Cat is toast in this one. He couldn't out spell Lucius, and Lucius is a mere mortal. Gulgamek is a god. Gulgamek will retain.
Pussy: Gulgamek
Brutus: Gulgamek
Pussy: Thank you for joining us.
Brutus: I always love being near Pussy!
Pussy: Nice to know...
(The scene cuts to a tight shot on Pussy.)
Pussy: Well folks, there ya have it. I told you we were going light. Next week, look for our first interview with the two newest members of the Hong Kong Cavaliers, The Directors! Until then, goodnight!
[End Transmission.]