IEW Weekly Wire Vol 2.
1/28/04
Hosted By: Jake Jones
*A disclaimer stating: The show and it’s host do not reflect the official opinions of the IEW” flashes. The scene fades in to a darkened news desk while “Closure” by Chevelle plays. The lights come on and reporter extraordinaire Jake Jones is sitting behind the desk.*
JJ: Good evening my faithful followers and welcome to the second edition of The Weekly Wire. Tonight, we’re going to find out just how bad I whipped Brutus’ ass in the predictions.
*A voice off camera yells “In your dreams bitch!”*
JJ: As I was saying. After tallying up the core and going over this past Sunday’s Mayhem we’ll cover the Pay Per View including the point counter point predictions with Brutus. Also, for the love of Jesus, send in news and rumors. I can’t keep making stuff up. Anyway, after we get done going over what is and what shall never be we’ll get to have a one on one discussion with newcomer and fast rising star Jaret Cannon. Let’s get on with it shall we?
(Generic news show music plays as a large flat-screen TV descends behind and to the side of JJ. On the screen it says “IEW Mayhem 1/25/04.” [NOTE: The screen is playing the highlights as JJ describes them, such as the eliminations. Same goes for all other matches reviewed])
JJ: This past Sunday we got to see the return of not one but TWO big IEW superstars. But before we could even get to our first match Jaret Cannon decided to come out. However, he wasn’t the only one whose voice was going to be heard. Check out what transpired:
*"Hit That" by Offspring blasts over the PA system, and the crowd goes wild with anticipation. Jaret Cannon appears at the top of the entrance ramp, with a smile on his face and his arms outstretched. He has a huge grin on his face. He wears silver Oakley plate sunglasses, and an IEW logo tank-top, black with a red logo. He also wears black Adidas windpants with red stripes, and black-and-red New Balance sneakers.*
JR: Indeed it will be, but right now we have an unscheduled appearance by the winner of the Debut Battle Royal last week!
*Cannon struts to the ring, and slides under the bottom rope, then does a bicep flex for the crowd. He signals for a microphone, which is then tossed to him.*
Jaret Cannon: What's up, dirty South?!
*The crowd pops big for Cannon, who smiles and adjusts his shades.*
Jaret Cannon: It's a shame Nitrus and Yoshi didn't last a little longer, because I know y'all wanted to see the IEW's first Cannon Clutch. And here I figured, after I won the Battle, I'd be booked this week for sure! Everyone wants to see the new guy whup some asses... but apparently, in the IEW, success isn't rewarded. You've got Nitrus, one of the first eliminated last week in a match that I won, fighting some sort of genetic material, while Jaret Cannon, winner of the Debut Battle Royal, sits in the back doing nothing. Who books these matches anyway? From the look of things, he's got one hand writing the card, and his pants around his ankles, with his other hand jerking some undersized...
*Before Cannon can finish his sentence, "A.D.I.D.A.S." by Korn blasts over the loudspeaker. Matt Rison makes his way down to the ring with a microphone in his hand. He climbs into the ring and stands face to face with Jaret Cannon.*
Matt: Well Jaret, you sure are a sight for sore eyes. I mean look at yourself. You're standing in the ring with the man whose right hand holds the power to choose your destiny.
[Jaret Cannon stands momentarilly speechless.]
Matt: Now I know what you're thinking, the IEW doesn't respect its talent's abilities. But that just isn't true. I care about the people who represent this great company, and yes, I realize good talent when I see it. Thats why you are going to face Yoshiaga Kajira next week at Malice In Minneapolis in a number one contendership match to the IEW Intercontinental Championship.
[The crowd pops for a moment as Jaret Cannon begins to speak.]
Jaret Cannon: Intercontinental Championship contendership? Sure, sounds good Matty. I need somethin' to keep my waist warm til I take the IEW World Title. But I hope you're ready to crown a new champ, because I'm about to raise my record here in the IEW to 2-0.
*Matt Rison stays speechless as Cannon laughs and drops the mic on the canvas as "Hit That" plays over the PA. Cannon climbs a turnbuckle and raises his arms, as the crowd cheers. He then ducks under the bottom rope and climbs into the crowd, taking a seat in the front row. Matt Rison looks over at him grinning, knowing that he will always have the upper hand as he pulls the mic back up to his face and speaks yet again.*
Rison: Well now that all of the fans are where they properly belong, let me make one thing clear to all of them. I run this show and I have complete control over everything happening on it. I can ruin your life-(points to Jaret Cannon) and I can make you a millionaire-(points to a fat kid on the third row) about the same as I can make you the next Playboy model that people will be shaking their pleasure sticks at every time they fold open the cover of the magazine-(points to a really hot chick on the front row that begins to blush). But before I go any further, let me make one thing clear to you Cannon. My hand holds your destiny, and next week when you're trying to get that title shot that you FEEL you deserve, it will be my hand that chooses whether you will, oh how should I say pull it out. Or if this Cannon guy remains a talent that is yet to be discovered.
Rollins: Undiscovered talent?! What is he talking about?
Brutus: Well you know how that Rison guy is, if he can't touch it, it doesn't exist.
Rison: But you know what Cannon, I really need to thank you because you made me remember some other poor sappling among the buds that make the IEW prosper and grow. That worthless bobblehead who mouth rattles more than a baby's shaker is none other than Rizzo. Now for some reason word has gotten around to me from a couple individuals who feel that Rizzo needs either a week off or a match that won't tax out his abilities before his World Title shot at Malice In Minneapolis. So Rizzo, to give your fans initialled M & DM what they want, I am making the main event this evening a tag team matchup, Dream Team vs Havoc. Now, with a matchup like that I think everyone, including me, can enjoy the evening.
JJ: As you can see, Matt Rison is determined to throw his weight around, and a benefactor is none other than tonight’s interview guest Jaret Cannon. We’ll see at the Pay Per View if he can make the most of it. Speaking of the Pay Per View, Danny Starr was intent on sending Razor a clear message. Take a look.
[The scene changes to the backstage area where Razor is standing at the catering table, grabbing a cup of coffee and a bagel and casually chatting away with some people from the ring crew. Razor takes a bite of his bagel and says his goodbyes to the crew before he suddenly receives a fist across the temple and immediately falls to the ground knocked out cold. The camera moves up to see Danny Starr standing over him with a huge trench coat that is so long that the sleeves cover his hands. Starr rolls up the sleeve to reveal he has brass knucks on before he wails into Razor even more with this brass knuckles. He smiles at the camera as he looks down at Razor who is bleeding from the forehead. Starr picks up Razors legs and drags him off as the scene switches back to the Jake.]
JJ: As you can see, Starr is letting Razor know that come Malice in Minneapolis he’s going to pull out every trick in the book to make Razor throw in the towel. After the Starr attack we got to see new IEW wrestler Downfall take on IEW veteran Cyberian Bull in a debut match. As has been the pattern, Cyberian Bull put up less than an adequate fight. Downfall destroyed Bull throughout the match and in the end Bull couldn’t take the Dark Backward and he tapped out immediately. Downfall wins a very lackluster match
Rating: 4/10 starts – Typical vegetable
JJ’s pick: Downfall
Brutus’ pick: Downfall
JJ: After the match Morris Foxx was found out clod in the back being tended to by the paramedics. This attack was no doubt part of Rison’s plan to screw Rizzo. However, as we’ll see later on, Rizzo was the one who’d get the last laugh.
(The screen shows a split picture of Harley Quinn and “High voltage” Steve Adams with a Vs. in the middle of the 2 pictures.)
JJ: In the second match of the night IEW’s resident mafia queen Harley Quinn took on big man “High Voltage” Steve Adams. After a quick offensive burst by Quinn, Steve Adams took control with his far superior strength. After two close pins Adams let himself get distracted by one of Quinn’s boys which led to another offensive flurry by Quinn. After a big boot by Adams Quinn came out of nowhere and clocked Steve Adams with The Punchline. It was enough for a 3 count and a in for Harley Quinn.
Rating – 6/10: Good match, very close. It’s pretty embarrassing for such a big man to lose to a female though. However, it had its high points, so it gets a 6.
JJ’s pick: Steve Adams
Brutus’ pick: Harley Quinn
JJ: After the match we saw Rizzo in his lockerroom scrambling to find a partner to replace Morris Foxx. All it took was one phone call and Rizzo found his man.
(The screen shows DNA and Nitrus with their names under their pictures.)
JJ: After the phone call we got to our third match of the night. This time, Nitrus was up against the man who destroyed his car, DNA. However, the match wasn’t really a match. After some rope-a-doping on Nitrus’ part he caught DNA off guard and rolled him up for a quick 1-2-3. Nitrus got the win in what could be called a truncated match.
Rating: 1/10 – When the only thing that happens is a schoolboy you’ve got yourself a dud.
JJ’s Pick: DNA
Brutus’ Pick: DNA
JJ: After the match Danny Starr was seen furthering the torture of Razor. Take a look.
[The camera fades in to what seems to be a very dark janitors closet....Razor is in the room sitting in towards the back with his mout gagged...he's trying to get out but he seems to have his left hand handcuffed to a pipe that runs up the wall, but by his right hand is a huge box. Danny Starr is seen sitting in front of him in a chair.]
DS: Hey Razor...i'm gonna make this short and sweet my man....theres a box sitting there next to your right hand....could you open it up and toss me whats inside?
[The box is already slightly opened. Razor puts his hand in and throws the contents at Starr. Starr stands up from the chair, still too dark to see what it is.]
DS: Hmm...that will be all Razor....that will be all....
[Starr turns on the light to expose that Razor has thrown about 10 white towels over to Starr. Starr walks over to Razor.]
DS: There’s gotta be some kind of irony to this Raz....
[Starr grabs another towel from the box and wipes Razor's blood off his head. He the unlocks the cuffs and walks out of the janitors broom closet. Razor begins to get up but as the camera sees him getting up Starr slams the door and locks it.]
JJ: Looks like Danny Starr really wants a towel match, and he’s got it. Starr better hope he can manhandle Razor at Malice the way he did last Sunday.
(The screen shows a collage oft he two teams in the tag match.)
JJ: In our 4th match of the night, 3 former extreme title holders and the current extreme champ were set to face off in a tag match. In one corner were Rage and the man who defeated him for the title, Deth. Their opponents were Scott S and the man who won the title from him, Bakuryu. After Bakuryu didn’t show up Scott S and Rage started the match off and neither man could get a real advantage. Rage scored a 2 count with a spinebuster. Scott S then got a taste of Deth as the former extreme champ continued the offensive for his team. All of a sudden, Bakuryu appears and does his goes George of the Jungle on everyone in the ring. The 4 men then beat the hell out of each other with big moves and vicious weaponry. The match is called a draw.
Rating: 4.5/10 – Yeah, that was just weird. Tarzan swinging into the ring? A draw also detracts from the match although it was semi-predictable. Maybe the title match at Malice will make up for this.
JJ’s pick: Rage/Deth
Brutus’ Pick: Scott S/Bakuryu
JJ: After the brawl was cleared we saw Rizzo greeting his new partner, but due to a very convenient camera angle we weren’t bale to tell who it was. And then, we had our 5th match of the night.
(The standard 4 person collage with names vs names appears on the screen.)
JJ: In yet another one of those quirky tag matches, the team of Dave jess and E.G. Mackie, known as Requiem, took on the combined might of Gulgamek and Khrystal Walker. The match started off with Gulgamek and Mackie going at it yet again. Gulgamek and Walker worked well together as they brought it to the Intercontinental champ. After a kickout by Mackie he got to the corner and tagged in the returning “Dangerous” Dave Jess. As Walker and Jess brawled in the ring Childs and Gulgamek worked over Mackie on the outside. Jess nearly takes the match with a small package but Walker kicked out right after 2. Meanwhile, Jess’ partner E.G. Mackie disappears into the back brawling with Gulgamek and Childs. In the ring, Dave gave Walker a big hurting, but in the end Walker hit the Shattered Khrystal Driver and won the match with a 3 count.
Rating: 7/10 – Good match, too bad there wasn’t more teamwork displayed by Requiem. However, it’s a big win for Walker and a sad return for Dave jess.
JJ’s Pick: Khrystal Walker/Gulgamek
Brutus’ Pick: Requiem
JJ: Right after the match the cameras backstage caught Mackie making Gulgamek and Childs feel some serious pan. Check out what happened:
(The camera cuts to the back where we see Gulgamek lay lifeless on the ground with a chair broken over his head. On his chest is, OBEY. Just then someone walks over and stops. They lean down and we see it is Boca del Inferno. He looks at the OBEY on Gulgamek’s chest and then adds, OBEY WHO? He then stands up and walks away as the scene cuts Childs limping into his locker room. He is soon thrown back out by Mackie out walks out and picks him up. Mackie picks him up and punches him and then throws him over his shoulder. The camera fallows them as we see Mackie walk out into the parking lot. Parked there is a semi filled with pigs. The back door is open and Mackie walks up the steps and through Childs down onto a huge pile of pig crap. Mackie then smiles and looks at him.)
Mackie: How does it feel Childs? How does it feel it be back with your swine family?
(Mackie points at a sow about the size of a cow.)
Mackie: Look I see your mother!
(He then points at another huge sow with a bunch of ugly piglets.)
Mackie: Oh and it is your wife and kids!
(Mackie laughs and walks down the steps and closes the semi door as we hear Childs banging on the door and cussing Mackie out. Mackie walks away as the scene cuts back to Child’s locker room. Gulgamek stumbles into the scene and into the locker room. The camera fallows and we see that the locker room is filled with industrial purpose sand. Gulgamek cocks his head just as a chair is broken over his head once again. It is Dave this time. He looks at the broken and bloody Gulgamek and walks away.)
JJ: As you can see, Mackie is all done with Gulgamek. Mackie will now move on to face Khrystal Walker at Malice. This then brings us to the main event of the night.
(The screen shows Rizzo and a silhouette with a question mark on oen side and Dream Team on the other.)
JJ: The main event saw Rizzo and a mystery partner take on Dream Team. Rizzo came out and he shocked not only Dream Team but also the rest of the IEW when he announced Mack Weaver as his new partner and member of Havoc. The match kicked off with Dream man and Rizzo going at it. Dream Man worked n Rizzo but a failed missile dropkick gave Rizzo the opportunity to tag in Weaver. Weaver and Rizzo then displayed some impressive teamwork with high impact double team moves. However, the momentum would then shift to Dream Team’s side as they used double team tactics to gain the advantage on Weaver. After another high risk move gone wrong Weaver and Dream Man make the all too famous hot tag! Rizzo and Magnum hit the ring and both men let loose. Magnum grabbed Rizzo by the throat and almost hit a chokeslam but Rizzo countered with a dropkick out of the position. After more Havoc Dream Team finally took control. However, it was short lived as Weaver and Rizzo once again displayed amazing team chemistry. However, Magnum was too big for a Flying Dutchman and he took the advantage with a big powerbomb he calls The Last Call which got a near 3 count. Rizzo then swung the momentum back his way with The Shocker. After Dream Man broke the move up Rizzo took Magnum down with the Corkscrew which only got a 2 count. Magnum dazed Rizzo long enough to tag in Dream Man who made yet another mistake that proved very costly. Rizzo locks in the Shocker, Weaver takes Magnum out, and the newly formed team of Mack Weaver and Rizzo win the match by submission.
Rating: 8/10 – Very good and close match although the former tag champs didn’t seem to be in sync. Very unexpected and refreshing return by The Infamous One helped this match gain a very solid 8 starts.
JJ’s Pick: Rizzo
Brutus’ Pick: Magnum
Overall Rating – 6.5/10 – Some good storyline advancement, some awkward to say the least. One stand out match, 4 that were decent and one that fizzled make this a middle of the road event.
Returns: “Dangerous” Dave Jess and “The Infamous One” Mack Weaver
Title Switches: None
Alignment Switches: None
JJ: As you can see, I pulled ahead 3-2-1 in the predictions. Speaking of which, its time to look into the future!
(The scene cuts to a wide shot of Brutus and JJ at the desk.)
Brutus: This week we are in Minneapolis, Minnesota for the IEW’s Next Pay Per View Malice in Minneapolis. We have 12 matches so let’s get this started. Our first match is one of 2 debut matches. In it Lil Tank, Ramos Tenchi and Boca del Inferno face off in a 3 way match. I haven’t seen much out of any of these guys, but I now inferno is a sick SOB. I look for him to take this match.
JJ: As do I. He’s creepy as can be and I think his head games will be effective.
JJ’s pick: Boca del Inferno
Brutus’ Pick: Boca del Inferno
JJ: Our second match of the night is also the second debut of the night. the tag team of Necra and Shogun take on the tag team The Dog Pac, comprised of Terrence Parker and Sgt. Underdogg. I have a feeling that The Dog Pac will use their tag experience to win this one.
Brutus: Once again we agree. I can’t see how the newbies can beat The Dog Pac. This may be close but the debut isn’t going to be a happy one.
JJ’s pick: The Dog Pac
Brutus’ Pic: The Dog Pac
Brutus: Our third match of the night is sure to be explosive. Last week Nitrus took a page out of the cliché distractions book and for some ungodly reason it worked on the veteran DNA. However, don’t look for DNA to fall for any more tricks. I think DNA is going to be pissed and will take it to on Nitrus.
JJ: I don’t know. Nitrus did sneak a victory from DNA, but it’s also been a while since DNA’s been in the ring for a real match. I’m going to take a leap of faith and say Nitrus will go 2-0 against DNA.
JJ’s Pick: Nitrus
Brutus’ Pick: DNA
JJ: Our 4th match of the night pits 6 relative newcomers against each other in a mess of a 6 man tag match. The team of Harley Quinn, Black Panther and Joe Phoenix will take on the team of ‘High Voltage” Steve Adams, Lone Panther and Atticus. Joe P hasn’t been around much, same goes with Lone Panther. Atticus had a good showing in the debut battle royal and Black Panther has shown that he can win matches. Then there’s Quinn and Adams. Quinn has a win over Steve Adams although she had help again. I say this will be different and the Steve Adams/Atticus/Lone Panther team will prevail.
Brutus: I disagree. I think the Quinn/Black Panther/Joe Phoenix has more of a winning track record. I say they’ll come out on top and take the win.
JJ’s Pick: Atticus/Lone Panther/”High voltage” Steve Adams
Brutus’ Pick: Harley Quinn/Black Panther/Joe Phoenix
Brutus: In our next match of the PPV newcomers Downfall and Nighthawk square off. Both men have looked good in their matches although Hawk cost himself the debut battle royal. I think Nighthawk’s power is going to be too much for Downfall’s speed. Look for Nighthawk to win.
JJ: See, I don’t think so. Nighthawk didn’t impress me much in his match but Downfall had a damn dominating debut this past Sunday. I think Downfall’s going to improve to a perfect 2-0 in a very hard fought match.
JJ’s Pick: Downfall
Brutus’ Pick: Nighthawk
JJ: Our next match is a much anticipated Towel Match between Danny Starr and Razor. Danny got the best of Razor last week, but this week he’s not going to have an opportunity to jump Razor. Look for Razor to make Danny Starr throw the towel in.
Brutus: Give me a break Jake. Danny Starr is technically sound and he’s also much smarter than Razor. Danny’s going to be too much for Razor to handle and he’ll come away with a victory here.
JJ’s pick: Razor
Brutus’ Pick: Danny Starr
Brutus: Our half way match is another three way, but this time it’s three big time IEW superstars going head to head to head. Dave Jess, Mack Weaver and Gulgamek face off in what will be a very solid match. I think Dave Jess is going to make his the best of it and come away with the victory.
JJ: I’m not so sure because this one is a very close one. All three men have something to prove, but I think the man with the most to prove is Gulgamek. After being humiliated by Mackie last week I think the big man will take it out on the two returning stars. I think Gulgamek’s going to sneak away with a victory here.
JJ’s Pick: Gulgamek
Brutus’ Pick: “Dangerous” Dave Jess
JJ: Our next match pits the debut battle royal winner and runner up in a #1 contendership to the Intercontinental Title match. Yoshiaga Kajira and Jaret Cannon face off in what may be a much better than expected match. I think Yoshi is going to do everything he can t forget losing the battle royal and will do so by winning.
Brutus: I’m not so sure. Cannon’s shown he has what it takes to go to the top and I think he’s going to repeat his success against Yoshi. I think it’s going to be close but Cannon will win.
JJ’s Pick: Yoshiaga Kajira
Brutus’ Pick: Jaret Cannon
Brutus: The next match of the night is undoubtedly one of the most brutal matches the IEW will see. Bakuryu will defend his Extreme title against Rage, Scott S and Deth in a 4 way scaffolding and pole match. Rage has come back to the IEW with one thing in mind, getting the Extreme Title back. I think Rage does just that.
JJ: I think Bakuryu is the man to beat and nobody will be able to do it. Bakuryu has just gotten started as Extreme Champ. Look for Bakuryu to make a name for himself and solidify himself as a legit champ with a huge win in this match.
JJ’s Pick: Bakuryu
Brutus’ Pick: Rage
JJ: Our next match is one that has been built up for several weeks now. Mortal enemies The Geeks and The Directors face off for the IEW Tag Team Titles. Over the past month or so these two teams have been going at it. I’m not sure The geeks will be able to win this one. Look for the tag champs to retain.
Brutus: I agree with you. The Directors beat a very good team in Dream Team to win those titles. The Geeks are good, but I don’t think they can overcome this obstacle. The Directors will win and retain.
JJ’s Pick: The Directors
Brutus’ Pick: The Directors
Brutus: Our second to last match of the night is an Intercontinental Title match. I nit, E.G. Mackie and Khrystal Walker face off. Walker scored an impressive victory over Requiem last week, but she didn’t defeat Mackie. She has done so in the past, but this is the now. Look for Mackie to win and retain, furthering his dominance as IC champ.
JJ: I think Mackie has finally met the person who’s going to dethrone him. Walker’s a little bit more savvy than Gulgamek in the ring. She’s had Mackie’s number for a few weeks now so I think that gives her the edge. Look for the IEW to crown its first female champ.
JJ’s Pick: Khrystal Walker
Brutus’ Pick: E.G. Mackie
JJ: And that brings us to the Main Event. Rizzo is set to take on Magnum for the IEW World Title. Rizzo has gotten the upper hand three times in a row now, and I think the fourth time is going to be the sweetest. Magnum hasn’t shown that he can beat Rizzo and he surely won’t this time. Rizzo will win and FINALLY get the World Title around his waist.
Brutus: You forget that there is a guest referee and it happens to be Matt Rison. Rison is going to be looking for payback Rizzo’s foiled his and Magnum’s plans over the past few weeks and it’s time to even the score. Look or Magnum to win and not without a little help.
JJ’s Pick: Rizzo
Brutus’ Pick: Magnum
JJ: Well, that does it for our predictions. Right now we’re going to go over to the newest member of the Weekly Wire, Johnny Ghettoblaster with our news and rumors
(Cheesy 70’s porno music plays as the scene cuts over to Johnny.)
Johnny Ghetoblaster: Hello all. I’m your new reporter for the news and rumors section of the wire, Johnny Ghettoblaster. I’ll be doing as much dirt-digging, scoop-finding and grave robbing as it takes to bring you all the hottest inside gossip from behind the scenes in the IEW. Let’s get to it.
- New bling bling for king of the ring? I’ve been hearing from my sources in the higher-ups in the company that plans for a new IEW title are in the works, complete with a roster-wide tournament to crown a new champ. No designs for the belt have been submitted but a couple names have been thrown around. The IEW Mega-Pimp Championship as well as The IEW King of Pain championship seem to be the front runners at the moment.
- West-Side Mackie Sources close to IEW intercontinental champ Euan Mackie have informed me that the dance commander himself is set to be directing a musical in April. Not much is known of the project just yet. But many think that it is based on the life of Mackie. From growing up to Scotland to becoming the all-singing, all-dancing, all-ass-kicking lord of the prance that we all know and love.
- Putting the International back in IEW: While I have found no official notice of this I can almost certainly confirm that the IEW is planning on leaving the U.S for a tour of sorts. I found a memo to all the guys in the back telling them to make sure their passports are up to date and clear their schedules for February through March. Also special notices were made to Boca Del Inferno to make sure to brush up on his Spanish as well as E.G Mackie and Dave Jess who were told to make sure their German and French was fluent. For possible radio and TV appearances?
- IEW’s own heavy Metal Legend back in the studio: I’ve been hearing rumors from the merchandising department that Dave Jess is heading back into the Studio to record his first solo album since the untimely death of his iconic metal band Irn-Mullet. Dave is said to be working mainly with session players for the project which will be released in conjunction with the IEW. Although ex-Ozzy Osbourne guitarist Randy Rhodes and Dragonforce guitarist Herman ‘Thrash’ Li are said to be contributing on some tracks. There’s even talk of a duet with Meatloaf!
- Hollywood knocking the door down for Rizzo? Ultra-charismatic IEW superstar Rizzo appears to be hot property in Hollywood. I’ve heard from a young secretary I know that all the major film companies are chomping at the bit to get him on their pay-roll in their next all-action, no-brains blockbusters. Here’s hoping that the bright lights don’t pull Rizzo in ‘til after his match with Magnum.
- Revolving doors in Havoc? My sources inside the group tell me that one member is getting a lot of heat from the other guys. I can’t name names just yet but from what I’m hearing if they don’t get their act together they could be taught a lesson by the other members of the group. On the upside I have heard there is high excitement for a new member joining the group. Who will it be??? A few names have been tossed around. But I’m not gonna spoil it for ‘ya. You’re just gonna have to tune in to find out.
- Anyway folks. I’d love to stick around and chit-chat but if I did there would be no column next week. This is Johnny Ghettoblaster saying see you next week.
*The cheesy porno music plays as the scene cuts back to Jake Jones.*
JJ: As promised, we are here with one of the newest and undoubtedly most impressive additions to the IEW, Jaret Cannon. Thank you for joining us.
JC: It's your pleasure, of course, Jake. *laughs*
JJ: Yeah yeah, my real employer's used that line too many times for it to be funny anymore. Anyway, let's get to what really matters. How did you hear about IEW and what made you decide to join?
JC: I wrestled for a few months in South Florida, and the competition really wasn't there. Athletically speaking, I was way more dedicated than any of my counterparts, and the management was shitting all over the employees. With guys like Rizzo, Dangerous Dave Jess, Magnum, Mackie, Mack Weaver, the IEW really stood out in the pro wrestling world. This is definitely the place to be in American wrestling.
JJ: Damn skippy it is! Now, in your first match ever, you were in a battle royal and you won it. Were you surprised that your win would translate into a contendership match at Malice?
JC: I had no idea I'd be in the hunt for such a prestigious piece of hardware so soon, but I'm sure as hell not complaining. As for being surprised, when you succeed, you can never be too surprised as to the rewards, especially with how progressive the IEW is. If you're cutting it, you're gonna be ahead of the guy who ain't cutting it, no matter how long he's been around. And the obvious ultimate goal is the have that IEW World Title around my waist.
JJ: I understand what you're saying, but it seems like you're kind of getting a shot before other IEW veterans who have been here longer. How would you respond to the criticism that you're being given a shot that someone else may have worked harder for?
JC: There's only one way to respond, and that's to not respond. They can say what they want, but until they hit the ring three hours before a show and see me runnin' through the motions, or stop by the gym and see me working out for two or three hours a day, they have no idea about hard work. But I have nothing but respect for any of the IEW vets who have been shoved aside. *Grinning* They're just gonna have to suck it up and come after me after I take that title.
JJ: Not responding is the easy way out, but I guess we'll see what you're really made of when you face off against Mackie or Walker. Now speaking of them, which of the two would you rather face?
JC: Hah, that's a tough one, Double J. But I guess that's what they pay you for... let's see... Mackie can hit you with anything, and he's been around. He's not a heavyweight, and if I can get him in the Cannon Clutch, it might be a quick match. But catching that boy is hard as hell. And as far as Khrystal Walker, I don't know about you, but I sure as hell wouldn't want to meet her in a dark alley. That said, I'm going to cleverly dodge that question out of respect for both workers.
JJ: Well, don't call be Double J, we needn't get sued by a talentless hack. As for you, we don't accept politically correct answers, so pick one.
JC: Walker. Mackie's a straight ring vet. Walker's a tough customer, but when you've got Mackie flyin' all over the place, you can get whiplash too quick. I'd rather have a slow match, and put strength against strength. See what happens.
JJ: Well, I guess that's a fair and acceptable answer. Now, as we had mentioned before, you were in a battle royal in your debut. What were your thoughts on you 5 opponents, particularly the one you're facing in Minny.
JC: Yoshi's a real professional, and he's been everywhere. Nitrus is up-and-coming. Atticus has potential. Night Hawk is a friggin' monster. And Lone Panther left a weird note on my door the other day that kinda gave me the creeps. Out of the crowd, I'd say Yoshi and Nitrus really stand out as being talents. I can't wait for Yoshi one-on-one in Minnesota. Wait 'til I bust out the Cannon Kick... haha, I'm just kiddin', JJ. I'll leave the footwork to Yosh.
JJ: That's probably a good idea. let's move on to a lighter subject. Who in the IEW do you look most forward to facing in the future. now, be honest, that's all i ask.
JC: Downfall's lookin' good right now. But guys like Mackie, Rizzo... Danny Starr, Bakuryu, all those boys can put on a damn show in the squared circle. I'd say out of all of them, I match up best against Rizzo, we have similar styles. That'd be one for the folks in the arena. Nobody goes home disappointed after a match like that.
JJ: Yeah, seems like he's the top guy around here despite the fact he's not the champ. Now, if there was one person you would avoid at all costs, who would it be?
JC: Magnum. No question. He's a terror in the ring. I'd upgrade my health insurance before I fought Magnum, no doubt.
JJ: Eh, he's not all that tough as you saw the past, oh, three weeks. Anyway, if you were to form a stable, what 2 or 3 guys would you ask to join that are NOT currently in one?
JC: Nitrus, Bakuryu, and Harley Quinn. *Cannon smiles* For protection purposes.
JC: Nitrus is a little crazy, like me. Bakuryu might be the best athlete in the IEW. And Harley's kinda cute.
JJ: Well, I guess those are reason, illogical and irrational as they may be. Now, we've come to the end of the interview. I'm going to rattle off 5 names. I want you to say the first thing that comes to mind. Think you can handle that chief?
JC: Please, JJ. Bring the noise.
JJ: Let's start off with The Geeks.
JC: Underrated tag team.
JJ: "Dangerous" Dave Jess
JC: Rock star.
JJ: Danny Starr
JC: Technically sound, could use a personality overhaul though.
JJ: Matt Rison.
JC: Powerful. But he kinda throws that power around a lot. I wonder if he's compensating for something.
JJ: I hear that. And finally, Gulgamek.
Big dude. Kinda creepy too. But not much upstairs.
JJ: Well, that does it for our interview. Thank you for your time.
JC: Thanks to you too, JJ. Keep in touch with yourself. Later.
JJ: My name ain't Rison buddy. Anyway, that concludes this week's edition of the Weekly Wire. Next week we'll be talking with the current IEW tag team champs The Directors. Good night!